The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.
Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, ‘I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!’
I will not eat the cat’s food, before or after they eat it.
“Kitty box crunchies” are not food.
The computer’s mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
I will not play tug o’ war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially the red ones, so my people will think I am dying.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose in her ear.
I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for mom’s driver’s license and car registration.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur “before” entering the house.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
Ditto for door knocking
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
Ditto for our guest’s crotch.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog “the sign says you have to be good with a computer.” The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said “yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow!”
This guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.”You talk?” he asks.”Yep,” the mutt replies.”So, what’s your story?”The mutt looks up and says “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what hewants for the dog. The owner says “Ten dollars.” The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?” The owner replies, “He’s such a #@$%! liar.”
Soap and Water
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. “Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied,”They’re as clean as soap and water could get them”. He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, “Here Soap! Here Water!”