The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.
Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, ‘I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!’
I will not eat the cat’s food, before or after they eat it.
“Kitty box crunchies” are not food.
The computer’s mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
I will not play tug o’ war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially the red ones, so my people will think I am dying.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose in her ear.
I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for mom’s driver’s license and car registration.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur “before” entering the house.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
Ditto for door knocking
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
Ditto for our guest’s crotch.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
Soap and Water
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. “Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied,”They’re as clean as soap and water could get them”. He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, “Here Soap! Here Water!”
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE
SBF Seeks Male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love: long walks in the woods, hunting, camping, riding in your pickup truck, fishing trips, cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I’m yours. Call 555-2121 and ask for Daisy.
(The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador Retriever.)